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American CrassRoads

Kat Nove & Jeni Decker for President, 2012

Write-in Kat Nove & Jeni Decker for President, 2012

Our Plan

Who Are We
On Day One
Full Disclosure
Manifesto

Who Are We

Who Are We?

Kat's Blog: katnovian.comJeni's Blog: closetspacemusings.blogspot.comDoes it really matter? You’re looking for an alternative to Mitt Romney, aren’t you?It seems Republicans are not content with the current GOP field, so we'll be your puppets. We’ll gladly do your bidding. Consider us the strong fist of the GOP - Jeni will be the thumb. Kat’s quite happy playing the middle finger. As liberals, we understand Republicans. We know exactly what you want and what we need to do.A little about us:~We are the Koch Brother’s bastard sisters from yet another mother. (Daddy really got around.)~Neither Jeni Decker or Kat Nove has sexually harassed any man, woman, child or animal - at any time.~We promise never to have sex in the White House (or anywhere else) with interns, pages, Senate or House members, lobbyists, staffers, cooks, pundits, or each other.~We are currently cutting a gospel album. Some tentative titles:He Has His Hands on You (Which is Why You Should Have Gloria Allred on Speed Dial)I Won’t Go Back (To Michelle Bachmann & Her Creepy Gay Husband’s Pray the Gay Away Rip-Off Ranch)The Old Rugged Cross-DresserWhat a Friend We Have in Jesus – With the Wall Street 1% /Back-Up ChoirSo, in 2012, head into the ballot box and write in KAT NOVE & JENI DECKER. Why? Read “Our Plan” and all will become clear. (Click on the Oval Office link to the left.)

On Day One

On Day One of our co-presidency

~We promise to bomb the hell out of Iran in a massive drone attack.~We will send all homosexuals to Massachusetts where they can live as they wish - far from your troubled collective moral compass. We understand that Americans do not wish to judge, they just don’t want to have to look at them and ponder all the prurient possibilities. ~We plan on having cats in the White House. Lots and lots of cats… and Jeni’s albino frog, Humbert Humbert. A new Cabinet position will be instated – Secretary of the White House Litter Box. We will appoint former Presidential Wannabe Donald Trump to that position as America’s thank you for his dedicated contributions to the 2012 Presidential campaign.~We will immediately do away with the American two party political system and create a single behemoth dubbed the “No Nonsense Party.” ~JOBS~This one is easy and we’re surprised nobody has already come up with it. We will sign a Presidential decree requiring lobbyists to provide jobs to 100 unemployed Americans for every $1,000 they grease our palms with in order to get whatever they want done. Let’s face it - they’re the crux of our systematic problems anyway, so let them figure out how to put America back to work.Jobs: Done. We’re that good.~FOREIGN POLICY re: WAR ~As far as any military action is concerned, our answer will always be the same: “Send in the drones.”~FOREIGN POLICY re: ENERGY~Kim Kardashian will be appointed Secretary of State. Hugo Chavez will be her first victim. Her orders will be to hang out in Venezuela, right outside his office-bedroom-bathroom doors, annoying him with a minute by minute recitation of her Twitter feed until he caves and sends all his country’s oil to the United States – gratis. Watch out, Saudi Princes – you’re next!~ON TORTURE~Waterboarding? Sure. Cut their fingers off digit by bloody digit until they talk. Whatever gets the job done.~FOREIGN AID~No. We said NO! No soup for you. Not a single kernel of rice to even one bloated brown baby. Not on our watch. (NOTE: Except Pakistan. We will continue to pucker up to them every chance we get. They’ve got nukes, Yo!)~IMMIGRATION REFORM~Between them, Kat and Jeni have been married to approximately two Hispanics, thusly, have no problem sending anyone of Hispanic descent (whether they’re citizens or not) back to Mexico or wherever they came from. We promise to build an eight foot fence across BOTH borders, inside which will be a twenty-foot-deep moat containing sharks, poisonous stingrays, jellyfish and piranha in a tepid pool of brackish water containing copious amounts of red dye #4.Further, we will equip the entire fence with cameras so that if any dirty immigrants manage to scale the fence despite the 1000 volts of electricity, once they drop to the ground on the other side, they will fall into the moat and the results will be broadcast on the National Geographic Channel. And YouTube. Because we’re givers.~CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM~Under the Nove/Decker Administration, no public official shall be eligible for more than two years of elected service. This applies to Supreme Court Justices, as well. Those guys have gotten a bit too comfy lately.All future campaign funds raised by any public official or any person running for any federal office will go into one giant coffer; a community ‘slush’ fund. In order to gain access to these funds, they will have to submit a written acquisition form to co-POTUS Nove and Decker for approval. They must show due cause as to why they deserve the funds. Sitting House and Senate members would be required to participate in “lightning round lawmaking sessions." The more bills they are able to get passed, the more money they will be eligible to receive. Let’s hook campaign money up to productivity and see how that works.Also, no person running for office will be allowed to do any campaigning, create any political commercials or do any fundraising until September of each election year. Anyone found not following the spirit of this new law will be banned from public office forever. In fact, they’ll be sent to Massachusetts with the gays.~SOCIAL SECURITY~It is our position that anyone who has paid into this program and has reached the age of 42 (Jeni’s age, incidentally) as of our election, will receive the benefits they’re entitled to. Everyone else: you’re out of luck. Blame Obama. The Social Security safety net will be no more because of his reckless and feckless spending. Let that be a lesson to all of you young, idealistic voters.~TAXES~6.6.6. It’s effective, less than Herman’s 9.9.9. And ominous enough to make you take note. That’s all you really need to know about that.~HEALTH CARE~Since Congress has recently deemed pizza a vegetable, we're not sure anything more needs to be done here. Pizza for everyone!To conclude Day One, before Kat cracks open her first light beer and Jeni lights up her fourth joint, we will appoint Herman Cain as Ambassador to Libya. *NOTE: As with all politicians, we reserve the right to change, amend and/or disavow any/all of our previous statements, depending on which audience we are speaking to at the moment. Getting votes is job one.

Full Disclosure

FULL DISCLOSURE

Unlike other possible GOP presidential contenders, we believe honesty is the best policy. As such, we have outlined below any pesky ‘issues’ that might arise further down the road in our campaign. Media, have at it. Our closet doors are open. It’s kind of musty in there, but feel free to rummage around.~Kat is an atheist.~Jeni once made a porn video with her mother. ~Kat is in the middle of full-blown menopause.~Jeni has hemorrhoids.

Manifesto

MANIFESTO

It’s all nonsense, just like the Tea Party. Our platform is guaranteed to destroy the country.Tea Party ManifestoProtect the ConstitutionReject Cap & TradeDemand a Balanced BudgetEnact Fundamental Tax ReformRestore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited GovernmentEnd Runaway Government SpendingDefund, Repeal, & Replace Government-run Health CarePass an ‘All-of-the-Above” Energy PolicyStop the PorkStop the Tax HikesNo Nonsense ManifestoMisinterpret the ConstitutionReject Slap & Tickle & Pre-Marital SexDemand an Unbalanced BudgieEnact Excremental Tax ReformIgnore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited GovernmentEnd Government Spending on RunawaysWe’ll Take Advantage of Government-Run Health Care, Especially Dealing with Our Mental HealthPass an ‘All-of-the-Above' WINergy policyInvite Pork Over for BreakfastJump Start the Tax Hikes Using Actual Jumper Cables.

SCREENING ROOM

How to Use a Shopping Cart
I Am America (And So Are You)
How to Add a Facebook Like Button

sCREENING ROOM

No Nonsense Summations, via video. Check back regularly for Nove/Decker Campaign ads.

How to Use a Shopping Cart
I Am America (And So Are You)
How to Add a Facebook Like Button

PRESS CONFERENCE TERRIBLE MISTAKES.jpg

Press Conference
We have no intention of letting Andrew Breitbart drag our campaign through the mud. The man is shameless. But I think it's clear that our Campaign Manager, Reese Applegate, isn't going anywhere. We like her spunk.The Great Trump Debate. Also, Newt is a Cross-Dresser -->

Waiting for Karl Rove Waiting for Karl Rove is irreverent, politically incorrect satire masquerading as road trip memoir. If you become befuddled by the first person perspective told from the point of view of dual-protagonists, you’re probably just stupid. That’s a personal problem as far as we can see; yours, not ours. We are two writers on a wild road trip to the top of the New York Times Bestseller List and this book is blatant self-promotion. What is this titillating tome about, you ask? Think Thelma and Louise—only Thelma’s menopausal, Louise is an erratic big-mouth with a penchant for discussing her hemorrhoids, and they’re on a road trip to wrestle an apology from Karl Rove by any means necessary. *Human Beat courtesy of incompetech.com

Waiting for Karl Rove Website

Human BeatINCOMPETECH.mp3

Current Additions

Small Business Saturday

fOR sHAME!
We actually had to title a page BOOBS! to get your attention. Speaks volumes, doesn't it? Please consider supporting our run for the White House. For a 20 dollar donation, you'’ll receive a copy of Waiting for Karl Rove.For a 40 dollar donation, you'’ll receive a copy of Waiting for Karl Rove and a signed copy of the picture that made our campaign manager, Reese Applegate, famous. (Laminated for… longer-lasting use. See PRESS CONFERENCE page.)For a 50 dollar donation, you'’ll receive a copy of Waiting for Karl Rove, the famous Reese Applegate photo (signed), and video footage that may or may not exist of her and the... transsexual. We promise you won’'t be disappointed.For a 100 dollar donation, you'’ll receive a copy of Waiting for Karl Rove, the pic AND video, PLUS a ten minute phone conversation with Reese Applegate, our illustrious campaign manager. She gives also gives good sext.So click on our mugs---> and give till it hurts, because it can't hurt as much as the GOP field you have to chose from now. Our motto: "You could do a lot worse."

Occupy Rove

Occupy Rove !
Oh, sweet irony, how we adore thee. Check out what happens when an Occupy Baltimore group disrupts Karl Rove at a speaking engagement. That's our democracy in action, people!(Click on the picture at the right, the video is at the end of the article.)

AWOP Radio

A World of Progress Radio
Do yourself a favor and keep track of what the people over at AWOP are up to. Listen live on Sundays from 7-9pET.They're good peeps, the conversations are lively and informative.Click the logo, you know you wanna! ----->

Small Business Saturday

Occupy Rove

AWOP Radio

Of Interest

Of Interest
Here are some sites we encourage you to visit...

united re:public democracy is not for sale

A World of Progress
Let your voice be heard.

Closet Space Musings
Jeni's blog

AMA: Organ Donation
Don't be greedy. Once you're dead, you don't need it anyway.

Katnovian.com
Kat's blog

Buy Our Book!
Waiting for Karl Rove - available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle

Check it out...

Dagblog

Christwire

i wISH i wERE eNGULFED IN fLAMES...
Welcome to dagblog, the second-tier political blog of record. Please make sure your tray tables are secured and that your seats are locked in the upright position.Click on the pic below to read our interview on dagblog with MIchael Wolraich...
If you're not following Christwire, you're going straight to hell.
"David Sedaris with D-cups." ~Kat Nove“"Brash, sarcastic, irreverent, heartfelt, and touching, Decker’'s memoir is all this and more. Highly recommended.”" ~Library Journal

Contact

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Blog

On Day One... Our Plan

Who Are We?

Our Book

Let's Talk
Our Plan, outlined. Our platform is guaranteed to destroy the country.
What do we have to offer?
Like the rest of the GOP hopefuls, we also have a book - only ours is entertaining...
Contact us!